What Do You Do When a Family Member Commits a Terrible Crime? | 'The Opinions' Podcast

The trauma of inheriting leavability

When a parent is imprisoned, children absorb the terrifying knowledge that they are abandonable, making continued connection essential to counter this fear and prevent the absent parent from becoming a psychologically damaging 'black hole.'

Why absence damages more than presence

Shielding children from incarcerated parents often inflicts deeper wounds than prison visits, as kids need a real person to process confusion and rage rather than a void filled by adult hostility or uncomfortable silence.

Facilities can enable or destroy bonds

Clark describes how her mother's prison facilitated weekly visits through a children's center and family support, contrasting sharply with her father's facility that used plastic barriers and punitive conditions to discourage connection.

The system channels rather than contains revenge

Gesson admits to rooting for her cousin's prosecutor, realizing the justice system amplifies rather than restrains vengeance, particularly through parole boards that deny release based on retributive pressure from victims' families.

Honoring victim pain without permanent exile

While respecting victims' right to anger and their healing process, Clark argues that permanent incarceration rarely serves true repair and that families must navigate complex emotions to reach healthier stages beyond hostility.

Five million children share this reality

Visiting prisons reveals a collective experience shared by millions of American children, where families—particularly grandmothers making heroic logistical efforts—refuse to let the state sever bonds by declaring 'I'm not letting them throw you away.'

Rebuilding connections repairs harm

True repair requires rejecting carceral logic of disconnection and instead working collectively to help incarcerated parents become their best selves while ensuring victim safety and maintaining dignifying human relationships.

Companioning children through hard truths

Adults cannot shield children from the reality of incarceration, but can 'companion' them through it by creating positive rituals, answering questions honestly, and ensuring imprisoned parents remain sources of delight and affirmation.