A child psychologist’s guide to working with difficult adults | Dr. Becky Kennedy

Adults share core needs with children

All humans exhibit ineffective behaviors when internal needs go unmet, whether age 5 or 45. Workplace resistance or 'tantrums' typically signal missing skills to manage internal struggles, not moral failings or laziness.

Separate behavior from identity

The 'Good Inside' framework requires viewing someone as 'a good person who is late' rather than 'lazy.' Collapsing behavior and identity triggers defensiveness and prevents problem-solving, while separating them allows you to address the actual obstacle.

Apply the Most Generous Interpretation

When someone acts out, assume the best possible motivation (e.g., they felt unheard vs. dominating the meeting). This shifts you from judgment to curiosity, generates more effective interventions, and prevents you from slowly disliking your colleagues.

Repair is the top relationship strategy

After conflict, explicitly take responsibility for your part and acknowledge the impact (e.g., 'I cut you off earlier and used a harsh tone'). Repair restores trust and cooperation faster than perfection, creating security that enables productivity.

Connect before correcting

Join someone's reality before making demands by seeing them as a full human, not an object to complete tasks. This builds a bridge that enables cooperation; correction without connection creates resistance, just as a husband demanding taxes while his wife reads a book creates conflict.

Prioritize presence over efficiency

Relationship building and efficiency often oppose each other. Effective leadership requires dropping into 'agenda-free' presence for even 30 seconds to truly see someone without transactional intent, even when it feels slow or 'low stim.'

Open with 'we're on the same team'

Start difficult discussions by affirming shared goals and the person's inherent goodness. This prevents debates about identity or morality and keeps focus on behavioral change.

Acknowledge their competence first

Begin by stating they already know the right thing to do ('You don't need me to tell you we need to start meetings on time'). This removes defensiveness about intelligence so you can collaboratively investigate the real obstacle.

True boundaries require no action from others

Boundaries define what you will do, not what you demand others do. Unlike requests, effective boundaries don't require the other person to change for them to be maintained.